SILENT CRIME
Of all the taboo subjects we encounter there is probably none as dramatic as the topic of incest. Often referred to as the “silent crime,” one out of three girls and one out of six boys will have been abused sexually by their eighteenth birthday, and of those, twenty percent will have experienced an incestuous incident.

Incest is described as sexual activity   between family members who are legally and customarily forbidden to marry. This includes blood relatives such as brothers and sisters, parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren, or aunts or uncles with nephews or nieces. Different cultures ascribe different considerations as to what constitutes incest, such as relation by birth as opposed to adoption or marriage.

DIFFERENT CULTURES, DIFFERENT VIEWS
In some cultures, unrelated individuals who have grown up in the same household and who have engaged in sexual relations are considered to have committed incest. Considered a crime in every state in this country, incest can occur between same-sex as well as opposite-sex relatives. It can occur between people of any age, in any culture, class, religion or gender. Incest is most frequently categorized as a type of abusive behavior since the victim is often a younger relative falling prey to the behavior of an older relative.

FEAR
Children victimized by incest are generally afraid to disclose what has occurred, sometimes out of fear that they will suffer greater consequences if they tell someone or because they fear that they will not be believed. They may fear that harm will come to the perpetrator if they are believed, or that the perpetrator might retaliate in some other way. Children often feel embarrassed and ashamed. Many children are taught not to tattle, especially on parents, and thus telling exacerbates the guilt that they may feel. Daughters, as they mature, may recognize the triangulation that occurs within their home, and identify with the painful feelings their mothers experience upon disclosure of the crime. The experience can negatively saturate one’s sense of self, one’s relationships, and one’s world view.

WHAT INCEST TAKES FROM US
It is not possible to experience incest without experiencing a sense of loss, whether of youth, self-esteem, or trust. Many incest survivors experience problems in intimacy. They may have difficulty expressing how they feel for fear of being devalued. An incestuous childhood can destroy an individual’s self-esteem by creating unrealistic views of who they are. Incest victims frequently suffer from
depression.

They may live with an unrelenting negative self-image regardless of how they are viewed by others. It is not unusual for victims to develop problems with eating such as anorexia, bulimia, or obesity. They may feel unworthy and unlovable, and fear that if their story were known they would not be accepted by others. Incest, rather than their deeds and accomplishments, begins to define the
individual. Many incest survivors describe feeling that their character is blemished and that they must maintain secrecy in order to keep others from discovering how bad they really are.

SYMPATHY FOR THE ABUSER
It is not unusual for victims of incest to express concern for the abuser, recognizing underlying emotional deficits of the perpetrator. For instance, a sister may express kind thoughts of a brother who has tormented her for years, cognizant of the abuse he himself may have received. Victims may express empathy for the parent, wife, or sibling of the person accused and even convicted of this act.

Victims of incest often worry about punitive actions imposed upon the abuser; sometimes because they themselves believe they are responsible for what happened, or perhaps because they understand the forces that may compel individuals to commit crimes against human nature.

HEALING FROM INCEST
Healing begins when the silence is broken. Although seemingly a frightening task, especially after years of concealment, it is possible to reach out to others. Some methods of healing include:

•Locating a support group. Sharing your story in a safe environment is the beginning of healing. The group process is  a powerful course of action offering safety and protection. Local hospitals or mental health clinics are sources of access to groups.

•Exploring reading material offered by national incest survivors groups. There is much free literature online as well as locations of local support groups.

•Tell your story. It is an important step in leading to self-confidence. It will also help others by letting them know that they are not alone.

•Relearning to trust. Allowing yourself the opportunity to trust is one of the first steps in eliminating isolation and despair.

WHAT THE VICTIM MUST UNDERSTAND
There are no easy solutions to the crime of incest. However, living a life of isolation, resentment and loathing only serves to create more negativity. It is not necessary to forgive the abuser, but it is necessary to forgive one’s self. The survivor has done nothing wrong. If the survivor chooses to forgive the abuser it does not mean that all negative feelings about the experience are forever banished.

Feelings are cyclical and even years after a victim has “forgiven,” events may occur that stir up feelings of resentment and loss once again. Dealing with incest is a difficult task, but there are ways that enable survivors to begin the process of healing and recovery.

It important to bear in mind that even though trust and self-esteem may have been shattered, they CAN BE REBUILT. It takes time and effort but the process of reclaiming your life will begin.

Nella Hahn, LSCW, www.hamptontherapy.com